


The Gayening

by TheLadySyk0



Series: take your daughter to work day [5]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Deadpool - Fandom, Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Hulk - Fandom
Genre: A gun that can turn people gay, Deadpool kidnaps one direction, M/M, Minor Harry Potter Spoilers, Spideypool - Freeform, Stony - Freeform, This was all because Ellie was crying over otp feels, almost forced stony, deadpool gets the gun, deadpool kidnaps jk rowling, established spideypool, the return of the penguins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-05-01 06:26:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5195561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLadySyk0/pseuds/TheLadySyk0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At long last! Another installment to the Take Your Daughter to Work day series!!!!</p><p>If there is one thing that Deadpool absolutely cannot stand, its a sad Ellie.</p><p>When he finds Ellie crying over her Steve/Tony otp feels he has a new target for elimination.</p><p>Steve Rogers and Tony Stark's straightness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The start of a very bad idea.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! I haven't updated this series in forever!
> 
> This is going to be about two to three chapters long and I'm going to knock out a few requests that people have had for me!

Wade Winston Wilson is a man who has endured many things. He’s endured never ending cancer, disembowelment, acid, dismemberment, decapitation, voices in his head, more acid, being exploded from the inside, etc, etc.

But if there is one thing he absolutely CANNOT deal with.

It's a sad Ellie.

When Ellie read the Harry Potter books she sobbed at Dumbledore’s death. Deadpool MAY or MAY NOT have climbed through JK Rowling’s window to force her at katana-point to write an alternate version where Dumbledore survives.

When one direction broke up and Wade found his daughter sobbing into her Zayn body pillow, he may or may not have abducted them, tied them to chairs in an empty warehouse and forced them to make a comeback.

This time when Wade heard muffled sobbing coming from his daughter’s room, he shot up from where he had been laying on the couch to see who or what he had to FUCK UP that made his baby girl cry.

Ellie laid back on her bed, tears streaming down her face and Wade did his absolute best not to lose his shit.

“Shhh baby girl what's wrong?” Wade sat down next to his daughter and smoothed down her hair.

Ellie sniffed and cuddled closer to her father “....Why….why don’t they understand?....”

Wade threaded his fingers through his daughters hair and quietly swore to murder whatever schoolyard-bully or-

Ellie pulled out an Iron-man and a Captain America figurine. Tears striped down her chubby cheeks as she pressed their little plastic faces together in a kiss “THEY WOULD BE SO PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER WHY CAN’T THEY JUST BE IN LOVE AND BE GAAAAAAAAY?????”

“....I don’t know baby girl…” Wade shrugged. “That’s just the way some people are...They can’t help it if they’re straight…”

Ellie sobbed and continued to press the figurines together “IT'S JUST THAT- THEY SHOULD KISS! IT WOULD BE SO KAWAII! IS IT PEPPER’S FAULT?? WHY CAN’T THEY JUST KISS? OR HOLD HANDS OR-”

Wade stroked Ellie’s hair and she cried softly until she fell asleep, still clutching the little figurines.

Wade softly closed the door to Ellie’s room as not to wake her. His baby girl was sad and that meant he had a new target for elimination.

Iron Man and Captain America’s straightness.

 

It was a perfectly normal morning for one Steve Rogers, or at least as normal as it could get when you’re a super soldier who was frozen in a block of ice only to be uncovered in the future to fight aliens, cyborgs and mutants.

What the H-E-double hockey sticks even is “normal” anymore?...

He’s on one of the balconies of the Stark tower, looking over the city and sipping something he picked up at one of the millions of coffee shops that now seem to be littered everywhere.

He wasn’t really sure what to get so he just asked the girl behind the counter (he tried his best not to stare at her purple hair and nose rings) to make him whatever she thought was the best off their menu. 

Its pretty good. He’s not really sure that its coffee, more like liquified pumpkin pie, but the important thing is that it's warm.

Stark comes in from a patrol around the city, his boosters glowing as he slows his landing onto the balcony. Robot arms come out of the floor and obediently start stripping his armor from him.

“See anything out there?” Steve queries, even though he knows the answer is no. If there was anything they would be out fighting it.

“It's literally the MOST boring this city has ever been Captain crunch. It's like every Villain has something better to do, washing their spandex, visiting their in-laws, catching up on their favorite soap operas. Whatever they’re doing, at least they’re not bothering us.”

Steve nods and takes another sip of his coffee-dessert-thing.

Tony sniffs the air. “...Is that….Is that...pumpkin?...”

Steve shrugs and takes another sip “I couldn’t really figure out their menu so...I asked the girl what her favorite was…”

Tony yanks the drink out of Steve’s hand before he can take another sip “Hold on there Capsicle, “Pumpkin Spice” is a flavor reserved only for the most basic of white women.”

He flings the coffee off the side of the building and Steve watches with horror as the pumpkin drink falls and hits an unfortunate passerby.

Steve winces as the tiny figure gets splattered with the drink “Sorry….” he whispers.

Tony doesn’t even care though, not even glancing down at the disaster he’s caused below. “We’ll set you up with some good MANLY coffee, You either drink it black or you put alcohol in it. That's how MEN drink coffee.”

“LIES!!!” Deadpool jumped down from a balcony above them “I happen to know from a very reliable source (Pepper) that YOU! TONY STARK drink chocolate peppermint lattes! You most basic of white bitches!”

Tony put his hands to his hips indignantly but quickly switched to a more manly pose, he crossed his arms and glared at Deadpool “I absolutely DO NOT!”

Deadpool chuckled a bit “WITH WHIPPED CREAM AND SPRINKLEEEESSS!!”

Tony scoffed and leaned back against the railing “Yeah sure whatever…”

Wade strolled up to Steve and Tony. He wedged himself in between the two men and wrapped his arms around them.

“Thats right! I came here to talk to you guys about something.”

Tony rolled his eyes “...JOY….”

Steve shrugged “Ok. Shoot…”

Deadpool gazed out over the city skyline. “It would really help me out….”

Steve nodded “...yeah….”

Deadpool nodded at the both of them “If you two could be gay.”

Tony grimaced “....what….”

“Gay. I need the both of you to be gay.”

Steve chuckled a little bit. “....Uh….People don’t really work like...that…”

Tony unhooked Wade’s arm from around his shoulder. “NOPE. NO. NOT HAPPENING. I LOVE BOOBS.” he yelled as he jogged back into the building leaving Steve and Wade.

Steve shrugged. “It's not like erm...I have issues with anyones whos...you know...A friend of Dorothy…”

Wade squinted at him “...Friend of Dorothy?”

Steve nodded “I guess nowadays it’s alright to just say it out loud...back then accidentally outing someone could mean getting them arrested or outing a soldier could mean dishonorable discharge...So if you wanted to say it without really saying it you could say they were a “Friend of Dorothy”, like in The Wizard of Oz? Dorothy’s friends were pretty strange in that movie...Some might even call them ‘Queer’.”

“Ah ha!” Wade pointed at Steve and winked “I getcha! I always had suspicions about those guys! I always thought that when Dorothy was turned away the Tinman would pound the Scarecrow in his tight burlap ass. Hay everywhere! Oil as lube! Maybe even-”

Steve hushed him before he could go further, a pained look on his face “....please...stop..I don’t think I can ever watch that movie again…”

Wade shrugged “Have you really TRIED though? Are you sure you can’t be gay?”

Steve rolled his eyes “Why is this so important?”

Wade looked him dead in the eyes “I have to do this because of reasons. IMPORTANT REASONS.”

Steve shrugged and looked out over the city. “Well if there are spiders that can turn people into mutants and serums that can turn people into super soldiers, I see no reason why there can’t be something someday that turns people gay…”

Wade nodded “....Right….Of course….SCIENCE…..”

Wade climbed onto the railing of the balcony, teetering on the edge he hunched over and faced Steve.

“Thanks Captain. I’ll get someone to SCIENCE the fuck out of this problem!”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “Well...Good luck with that…”

Deadpool backflipped off the balcony. “THAAAAANK YOUUUUU!!!”

Steve shrugged. He’ll be alright. 

 

Doctor Bruce Banner was quietly working on a project in one of the Stark tower labs. He was enjoying a nice, quiet, Deadpool-free morning. Having Deadpool on the team was….interesting to say the least. He was still loud and obnoxious, but with Peter’s help Wade had calmed down enough that he was actually proving to be a valuable and helpful member of the team.

That didn’t mean he wasn’t an infuriating asshole though.

Which is why he still avoids him for the most part. Its for everyone's safety really…

He was going through some data when something roused him from the long stream of numbers.

It sounded like….Screaming?

Yeah….It is screaming...And it's getting louder and-

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

Deadpool slammed into the balcony right outside Banner’s widow. It sounded like squishing egg shells under a hard boot as the mercenary met the hard concrete.

Oh shit.

And he was having such a nice morning…

Wade started to peel himself from the floor of the balcony, his bones sliding, grinding and crunching as he healed. Wade’s jawbone was severely askew and he gripped the offending flesh and bone and yanked it back into place with a wet grinding crunch.

“HEEEEEY!!!” The ex-mercenary tapped on Banner’s widow. “JUST THE GUY I WANTED TO SEE!!”

Bruce sighed. Its best to get interactions with deadpool over with as soon as possible. Like ripping off a bandaid, he threw open the window. 

“What do you want Deadpool? I’m working.”

Wade nodded and hopped into the lab before he sat casually on the desk.

“I need some science done.”

Bruce sighed “for the last time, You can’t make Chimichanga monsters.”

Wade shook his head “No DIFFERENT science! And it's really important!”

“....What KIND of science?....”

“Ok just hear me out!”

“...yeah?....”

“I need a death-ray, but not the kind of ray that kills people! The kind that makes them gay! So it wouldn’t really be a death-ray, it would be a gay-ray, but you know what I mean!”

Bruce rubbed his eyes “Get out of my lab.”

“You don’t understand! Its really important!”

Bruce scoffed “WHY? WHY WOULD YOU EVEN NEED A GAY-RAY! AREN’T YOU AND PETER ALREADY TOGETHER?? DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THE ETHICAL IMPLICATIONS OF JUST BEING ABLE TO-”

Wade jumped onto the desk to face Banner. Wade took Bruce’s face in his hands and started to sob. “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND SHE WAS CRYING! I NEED TO FIX IT!!”

Bruce took Wade’s hands and shoved them off his face “WHO WAS CRYING??”

“ELLIE!!!”

That stopped Doctor Banner in his tracks. One day after a long battle, the team had come back to the tower to find Wade’s daughter, Ellie coloring. She had made them all drawings and-

There's a little crayon-drawing in one of his office drawers. Sometimes he takes it out when he had a particularly bad day controlling the beast.

He isn’t the type of guy that gets drawings from kids. He’s the type of guy that people fear and military officials whisper about.

But she laughed and drew him a silly little drawing of him in a kilt and…

It felt nice…

It felt human…

 

Ok he’ll admit that sad Ellie is a problem...But the ethical implications of such a machine, not only the cultural implications but-

“You SWEAR that this will fix...Whatever is wrong with Ellie.”

“I SWEAR. I DON’T LIE WHEN IT COMES TO MY KID.”

That is true...Deadpool may be an annoying asshole but he is a….surprisingly good father…

Banner bit his lip and looked away “just…..just give me a few hours…”

“Thank you doctor! You’re my only hope!” Deadpool sang as Bruce gingerly prodded him out of the lab. He closed the door behind him and ran a hand through his hair. Shit what the hell did he just agree to do?? He can’t actually- He can’t give a gun with that kind of power to-

He stumbles over to his desk breathing heavily, accidentally knocking off a couple of old coffee mugs and a half full pringles tube.

He had an idea.


	2. Rush Limbaugh.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so it begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record what Wade is doing is not morally ok. He honestly believes that this will make everything better though. Don't worry things will be learned in subsequent chapters. 
> 
> If anyone has ever listened to Rush Limbaugh on the radio then you know why I did this.

Wade waited patiently outside the door of the laboratory. The sooner he can get the gun the sooner he can make Steve and Tony gay and the sooner he can make his daughter happy again.

The door to the lab opens and Deadpool bounced up and down like an overexcited puppy.

Doctor Banner looks….Nervous…

In his arms he holds a long thin silver tube, about the length of a forearm, on the other end there's a handle and a large red button.

Doctor Banner’s eyes darted around and he bit his lip as Wade gently lifted the gun from his arms.

He beamed at Doctor Banner “Thanks doc! I owe you one!”

Before he left doctor Banner grasped Deadpool’s arm. “...its uh...its not a toy….do whatever it is you need to do to stop Ellie being sad and uh...never use it again.”

Wade grinned “Come on Doc! Who do you think you’re talking to? Responsibility is my middle name! Wade Responsible Wilson is what they call me!”

Bruce glared “...That's definitely not what they call you….”

Deadpool shrugged “La Piscina de Muerte es un Lunático Responsable”

Wade saluted Banner and clicked his heels together “Scout's honor!”

Bruce was already regretting everything.

 

In the elevator down Wade bounced up and down on his heels and whistled to himself, the gay-ray in his hands.

Boy isn’t Ellie going to be surprised!

He bounces the gun up and down gently. It feels surprisingly light, must be some new space-age bullshit Banner had in his office. He clicks it on and the gun comes to life with a small “WAOUM” sound and blue light comes from the wide circular opening of the gun.

Alright, he’ll find Captain America and Iron Man, shoot them with the gay-ray, they’ll fall in love and Ellie’s OTP will be canon!

Perfect!

He considers the gun in his hands. Oh man imagine how people will freak once they find out there are two gay couples on the Avengers! He remembers back when he and Peter came out publically as a couple, there was a lot of good responses! There were also other people. People who ranted and raved about them on television and TV, people who called them bad influences and sick and deranged.

Ok so maybe he is deranged but it had really hurt when people put down the best thing in his life after Ellie.

He looks down at the gun and then to the watch underneath his glove.

It’s 1:00. He can afford to make a couple of detours before he gayifies Cap and Iron dude.

He smiles underneath his mask and clicks the gun into place.

Oh hell yes.

 

“Its an abomination! A perversion of good family morals!” A fat, old white man spits into a microphone. He adjusted the American flag pin on his shirt and continued on with his loud rant broadcasted across the country. “It’s the gay agenda! They won’t stop until all of our children are corrupted by queers!”

The old bigoted man breathed heavily into the microphone. “I for one will not stand for this blatant queer propaganda! The Avengers can’t have queers on the team! Not when they are standing to protect America and it’s values!” 

He paused as he heard loud thumping coming from the other side of the door in his broadcasting studio. “Hey...what's going on out there?”

A thick boot kicked open the door. Various men in goatees, cowboy hats and confederate flag belt buckles were slumped down unconscious in the hallway. Deadpool stood, a gleaming gun in his hands.

The old man scowled “So you’re going to kill me?” He leaned down into the microphone “Hear that America? The Fag Avenger is going to kill me! America will know the truth!”

Deadpool shrugged “Nah that ain’t my style anymore.” He aimed the gun and the old man held up his hands in terror. The bigot was swathed in blue light.

Blue light exploded through the room in a bright flash of color before it dissipated as quickly as it came.

He looked down at his wrinkled old pudgy hands. Nothing happened?

Deadpool leaned down into the microphone “What you folks at home just heard was the new debut of my patent-pending ‘Gay-Ray’™ “

“Wait, how did you do that ™ thing with your voice?’

“That's not important right now! The important thing is that you’re gay™ now!”

“You just did it again! Wait I’m what now?”

Deadpool hooked the gun into his belt and nodded at the shocked old man “That’s right! You’re gay now! Have fun! Use lube!”. He jogged back down the hallway past the Republican studio workers who were starting to groan and wake up, leaving one hate-monger and millions of radio-listeners speechless.

 

It was a lovely day in the U.S Congress. Nothing whatsoever was getting done and some guy in a suit and cowboy hat was at the podium ranting about the evils of homosexuals and why they shouldn’t be allowed to work as school teachers.

The Congressman chewed on his toothpick and readjusted his belt. “Now Homo-Sexuals ain’t like yew and me. We can’t let them poison the minds of our children! Now that’s why I propose this here bill to keep the homosexuals from teaching our children their filthy ways, all in favor say Aye!”

A round of Ayes erupted from a good portion of the audience, while others crossed their arms defiantly.

A red and black suited man jumped from the ceiling and landed on the podium the speaker had been using.

“Ah Ha!” Deadpool yelled “I SAW THAT!”

With speed that would have made Clint proud, Deadpool fired at every figure that raised their hand, blue light zipping across the room as Congressmen screamed until they looked down at themselves unharmed.

Wade whirled around on the podium and shot the speaker in the face with the ray.

“What the shit my eyes!” The Congressman yelled in surprise before rubbing at his eyes.

Deadpool took the microphone from the podium and addressed Congress. “I’m sure you are all wondering what I’ve just done.”

A figure rubbed their eyes and pointed at Deadpool! “Whatever it is you won’t get away with it! I knew you weren’t reformed I knew-” 

Wade waved his hands “No wait relax I promise it isn’t anything bad! This may actually be an improvement for a lot of you! ”

Wade twirled the cord of the microphone absentmindedly “I mean it made a lot of things better for me so none of you should really complain.”

He shrugged “You guys talk a lot about homosexuals and their agendas and how we shouldn’t be allowed to taint this or that, and I feel like if you actually knew what it was like to be a homosexual you wouldn’t say stuff like that”

Wade smiled and put one of his hands on his hips “So I’ve decided to make all of you gay!”

The audience gasped and many screamed in outrage.

“Don’t worry!” Deadpool called as security finally burst through the doors. He launched a gatling gun at the ceiling and started to zip away “Remember to poop often it makes anal sex easier!”

And Deadpool escaped through a skylight, enraged screaming muffled below him. 

Well that went better than expected!

Next stop! Captain America and Iron Man!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment if you enjoyed, sorry for not updating in forever. Things kinda look bad right now but I promise things will be learned for everyone so please don't yell at me.
> 
> Next stop Cap and Iron man.


	3. Ellie and her notebook of fanfic tropes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade picks Ellie up from school.

Deadpool zipped down a suburban street in his red minivan, the custom flaming velociraptor decal on the side still intact after that one time they all fought zombies together. He whistled while he listened to the sounds of absolute panic from over the radio as newspeople were in a flurry to describe Deadpool’s little outing. The Gay ™ gun sat proudly in the seat next to him.

{Well that was fun!}

[I can’t believe we just did that…]

{They had it coming!}

[We’re a hero now! We can’t go around causing a ruckass anymore! We promised our daughter and we promised Peter!]

{We’re allowed to cause a ruckass when it’s for a good thing! Those are the rules!}

Deadpool nodded. “I agree, this is a GOOD thing!” He adjusted his glasses and hoodie in the mirror, Ellie’s teachers get weirded out by spandex. “Also don’t you think it’s weird that the author hasn’t written you guys yet? The fuck is up with that?”

[She was trying to make a point of how much more stable you were! You know! BEFORE you made the U.S Congress gay!!]

{Also she sucks at writing us}

[That too.]

Deadpool shrugged at his reflection as he pulled to a stop in the school parking lot. “Look, I may have caused a ruckass but it’s for a good cause! Being gay with Peter made my life better! It will make them happier and then they will stop making everyone else miserable!”

[We’re not Gay we’re pansexual, there's a difference]

{Hehehe! We like cookware! PANS}

[We can’t just force a bunch of people we don’t like to be a certain way just because we want them too! We have to show them reason and compelling arguments!]

{And PANdas...Umf pandas…}

[I’m serious, this is pushing into serious territory, Peter and Ellie disappointing territory!”]

{...And the entire country of PANema… WAIT WHAT'S THAT ABOUT DISAPPOINTING ELLIE???}

Wade shook his head. “No no no Ellie won’t be disappointed! Ellie will be happy! This is what she wants!”

{WE CAN’T DISAPPOINT OUR KID!!! QUICK HIJACK AN ICECREAM TRUCK AND DRIVE IT INTO HER HISTORY CLASS!!”}

[This may be what Ellie wants but is this what Tony of Steve wants? Forcing people to do things is bad!]

Wade watched a nearby icecream truck jingle by, if he timed it right he could pull the driver out and drive it into the wall of the school where Ellie’s history class is held…

[FOCUS WADE! WE CAN’T DO THIS!!]

{What? we’ve carjacked before…}

[Not what I meant!]

“Chill guys ok!” Wade’s shoulders were hunched up defensively “Man-on-man made things awesome for me so it’s only logical that it will make things even MORE awesome for everyone else! Besides now that we have the power we can MAKE Ellie’s OTP canon and she’ll be HAPPY! Happy daughter equals good father ok???”

The school bell rang and students started to file out of the school, little kids ran across the schoolyard to their buses, laughing and shrieking happily.

A little curly-haired girl wearing a spiderman t-shirt laughed and hugged two other girls before she waved goodbye and started to head out towards the buses. She caught sight of Wade’s stupid velociraptor van and her face broke out into a grin.

Ellie ran over to the van Wade was sitting in, she leaned against the glass and made faces until Wade chuckled and rolled down the car window.

“I didn’t know you were picking me up today!!” Ellie giggled and got into the backseat of the van.

Wade smiled “Well I wanted to surprise you baby girl…”

Ellie smiled and buckled her seatbelt “Are we going to the zoo? The museum? The icecream shop?”

Wade grinned “No. Even BETTER!”

Ellie bounced up and down in her seat. “The planetarium? The movies? The Carnival?”

Wade wiggled his nonexistent eyebrows “How would you…” He picked up the Gay ™ gun up from the seat next to him, now painted with the words ‘gay-ray’ and copious amounts of flame decals “Like to go with daddy to the Avengers tower to make Ironman and Captain America Gay?”

Ellie’s eyes widened. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” She screamed and pumped her little fists. “I can’t believe it!”

She ripped open her backpack and started rooting through her notebooks. “I’ve prepared for this day!” She took out a notebook labeled ‘OTP’ and started flipping through the pages “I’ve got to go through the tropes!”

Wade looked at his daughter through the rear-view mirror. “What are ‘The tropes’ baby girl?”

Ellie rolled her eyes at her father “Formulas that are absolutely GUARANTEED to make people fall in love and live happily every after! It works in ALL the fanfics!”

Wade shrugged, well if it works in the fanfics… “alright baby girl shoot…”

“Page fifty-seven, going to the same hotel and due to a CRAZY mishap being forced to share a bed.”

Wade shook his head. “Nah Iron-dude is too rich for that he would just buy the whole hotel.”

Ellie pursed her lips and continued flipping through the book. “Umm… Hurt/Comfort...We could make one upset and make the other one go and cheer them up!”

Wade balked “We’re not going to injure them, that's a no-go hun.”

“Not injure, just sad.”

“Anything else?”

“Marriage of convenience? We can force them to get married and then eventually they’ll love each other and everything will be fine!”

“.....I don’t want you on the internet anymore….”

“Dad!”

“Ellie!”

Ellie rolled her eyes “alright something simple then… How about a romantic meal?...”

“I think that sounds PERF Girlfriend!”

“eww Dad stop trying to talk cool.”

“I think this plan is ON FLEEK!”

“Isn’t that only for eyebrows?” Ellie looked up from her notebook confused.

“I actually have no idea what fleek means....”

Ellie sighed and clutched her notebook to her chest, the pages of which were filled with doodles of Captain America and Ironman holding hands, kissing, adopting babies, eating icecream….

Ellie smiled “They’re going to be so happy…”

 

 

Approximately twenty minutes and 45 seconds later Tony Stark was screaming and panicking. Steve Rogers sat confused on the couch as Tony Stark pulled at his hair and writhed on the floor.

"GAY??????" Tony's face was completely red and he was hyperventilating. "GAAAAAAAYYYY????????!!!!!!!!!"

 

Ellie stood next to her dad a thoughtful look on her face.

“....well that didn’t go like I thought it would…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me forever to update! I'll try and finish this soon but school is always bleh.
> 
> Remember kids all of this is a bad idea.


	4. Gay smells like sour cream and onions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter!

Tony Writhed on the floor and Ellie put her hands to her hips.

“Well… OK...that didn’t QUITE go as expected…” She thought for a moment and snapped her fingers. “But I can work with this!”

She pointed at her dad and then at Tony writhing on the floor. Deadpool obediently took Tony’s arms and started to drag him out of the living room. A small rug bunched up underneath the billionaire scientist as he was dragged across the floor. One of Tony’s shoes was dislodged and was quickly abandoned.

“...but I dated supermodels….” Tony whispered panicked to himself “they had the best BOOBS...what would my dad say? What would Pepper say? I can’t-”

Wade accidentally bumped Tony’s head against a baseboard as he dragged Tony around a corner into the hallway.

Tony didn’t even seem to notice. “...I don’t look good in booty shorts…” Tony whispered “and I don’t want to paint the Iron Man suit rainbow colors…”

As Wade and Tony disappeared around the corner Ellie skipped over to Captain America and took one of his hands “Come on Mr.America! I have a surprise for you! You’ll love it!!”

Steve sighed and leaned down towards the girl “...Ellie… I know what you’re doing and I appreciate it but…”

Ellie only laughed and tugged him down the hallway. “Come on!”

Steve sighed and followed after the girl.

 

Steve sat down at the table in the dining room, his brows furrowed in worry as Ellie held up a fork of spaghetti to a seemingly almost-comatose Tony . Little red pasta sauce stains striped across Tony’s left cheek as Ellie tried unsuccessfully to jab the fork of spaghetti into his mouth.

Wade lit the candles on the table, his suit partially obscured by an apron

Deadpool winked at Captain America suggestively “Spero che la vostra serata romantica ha un lieto fine”

Wade then picked up a case covered in scratched hello kitty stickers and unlatched the clasps. He took a battered violin from the case and started to play.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aHVb_SWHPM

Ellie wrinkled her nose and turned to her father. “Is that the Mario theme song?”

Wade looked shifty for a moment and awkwardly shifted from foot to foot “.....no?...”

Ellie sighed.

Tony mumbled to himself. “....I have a terrible fashion sense...Pepper has always bought my clothes for me….”

Wade was still playing the violin but he tossed a little tube of strawberry-scented lube to Steve “Lubrificante per il pene nel culo” Wade nudged him playfully.

“.....I can feel the dicks…..” Tony whispered wide-eyed “....invading my mind…..”

Deadpool grinned “That's not the only place that-”

Steve slammed his hands against the table “WILL YOU JUST STOP?!”

Ellie paused where she had been trying to feed Tony the fork hanging despondently.

Steve waved angrily at Tony “Why are you acting like THIS is the worst thing that ever happened to you?” He pointed at the arc reactor in his chest “You were BLOWN UP and had THAT put in your chest!”

Something snapped in Tony. “EXCUSE ME.” he glared at Steve “I DIDN’T ASK TO BE THIS! I NEVER WANTED TO BE THIS AND-”

Tears started to roll down Tony’s cheeks “ AND GREAT.” He shook his head in frustration “THEY GAY MUST BE GETTING TO ME BECAUSE I’M ACTING LIKE A SISSY AND-”

“YOU THINK AFTER 50 YEARS YOU PEOPLE WOULD HAVE SOLVED THIS!” He gestured angrily at Tony “50 YEARS INTO THE FUTURE AND YOU PEOPLE ARE STILL ACTING LIKE THIS IS SOME KIND OF HORRIBLE DISEASE!”

Steve huffed and ran a hand across his face, calming himself down “...You don’t have to change who you are Tony…” Steve sighed “You don’t have to wear booty shorts or paint the suit rainbow for FUCKS SAKE.”

“You haven’t stopped being you. This doesn’t change who you are.”

Tony looked despondently into the spaghetti on the table. 

Steve continued “And you don’t have to act like a fucking manly man 110% of the time either as if the moment you show emotions mean that you have to revoke your ‘man-card’....”

“...They’ll treat me differently….” Tony whispered.

“...Yeah….” Steve agreed.

“My dad-”

“...I know…” Steve sighed and gave Tony an understanding look.

 

Wade was frozen by the side of the table with his apron and his violin “...holy fucking shit that got REAL right there…”

Steve turned to Ellie. Ellie clutched the Gay-Ray ™ in her arms protectively.

Steve got on his knees in front of the child and held out his hand.

“Sweetheart please give me the gun.”

Ellie shook her head “no this wasn’t supposed to…” tears filled her eyes “...you were supposed to be HAPPY….”

Steve shook his head “I know what you were trying to do…” he gave Ellie a watery smile “And it’s very sweet that you you want us to be happy…”

Steve looked at her intently “What you did came out of a place of love...You saw two people who you desperately wanted to see happy so you took matters into your own hands to try and make that happen.”

Steve frowned “but that's not how love works.” Tears rolled down Ellie’s cheeks “Love takes a lot of patience, and a lot of work. People come together and they grow apart and sometimes they stumble into love.”

He smiled at her sadly “That's just not something you can force…”

Ellie looked down at her shoes.

“Please...give me the gun…”

Ellie sighed, she looked down to the gun and then back up at Steve, her big brown eyes still wet with tears.

She handed him the gun.

Steve took the gun. “Thank you Ellie now-” he sniffed the barrel of the gun. “Why does this smell like sour cream and onions?”

Wade piped in “I just thought that was what concentrated gay smelled like.”

Tony’s face scrunched up “gay wouldn’t smell like sour cream and onions!”

Wade put his hands on his aproned hips. “Then what would gay smell like?”

Tony shrugged “you know what you’re in a department store and you walk by the scented candles?”

“Cinnamon and ocean breeze?”

“Yeah exactly.”

Steve ripped the wrapping off the tube of the gun. Underneath the foil read “Pringles sour cream and onion.”

“Son of a bitch…”

 

In the U.S congress a man in a cowboy hat was sobbing curled up into a ball underneath the podium. Papers were flying everywhere and someone’s briefcase was on fire. Two elderly white men were crying while kissing in the middle of the aisle.

Steve took one look at the scene and his shoulders slumped.

“Oh boy.”

Wade, Ellie and tony walked in behind him.

“ITS HIM!” one of the men stopped where they had been feverishly making out to point at Deadpool. “YOU DID THIS TO US!”

Steve held up his hands in a placating gesture “other than being an ass in general he didn’t do anything to anyone.”

“WE SAW HIM HE-”

Steve threw the gun in front of the congressmen the torn foil showing the Pringles label. “IT WAS A TUBE OF PRINGLES WITH A FLASHLIGHT AT THE BOTTOM!”

The men stopped in their tracks. The briefcase was still on fire.

“HA I KNEW WE WEREN’T PERVERTS!” one man joyously yelled.

“SHUT UP!” Steve yelled. He motioned towards them. “LOOK AT YOURSELVES!”

Steve took to the podium “Gay people aren’t sick. They aren’t deranged. They aren’t going out to ruin your children or corrupt society.”

He shook his head. “They’re PEOPLE.”

Steve looked angrily out into the audience “I FOUGHT for an America that cares for it’s people, regardless of who they are. I FOUGHT for an America that allows people their FREEDOM.”

He shook his head. “You’ve all been fighting to protect America’s “ideals” and the “traditional’ America. The same “traditional” America that I came from all that time ago.”

“You haven’t been protecting America. You’ve been STIFLING her!”

“Because if you think that gay people didn’t exist back then, well Bucko, they may not have been out of the closet but they were THERE. They fought just as hard as any for the AMERICAN FREEDOM that you use now to blow hot air out your asses!”

Captain America looked out into the crowd “I fight for ACTUAL American ideals. The idea that you have the right to be whatever you want to be and YES that DOES include loving whoever you want to love.”

Captain America dropped the mic dramatically as the senators stood back astonished. He began to stalk out of the room and-

“Oops actually let me just pick that up sorry about that.” Captain America quickly retrieved and righted the mic and then continued to stalk dramatically out of the room.

Ellie held Wade’s hand as they walked down the hallway. Ellie looked thoughtfully out into space “Well I think I learned some stuff on some things.”

Wade looked down at his daughter. “Always check to see if your gay inducing weapon is actually a pringles tube and a blue flashlight?”

Ellie nodded “Well that too, but mostly that you shouldn’t try to force people to be something they aren’t….”

Wade hummed and swung his and his daughter’s clasped hands as they walked down the hallway.

Tony walked next to Steve down the hallway. “So…” he began awkwardly. “Back when he first shot us with the “Gay-Ray” how did you stay so calm?”

Steve smiled and shrugged “Well I figured if you shot a bisexual person with a Gay-Ray they would still be bi.”

Tony gaped for a moment “Wait YOU-” Tony stopped himself and shook his head “Actually...Good for you.”

Steve smiled and bumped shoulders with him amicably. “Wanna go grab a cup of coffee?”

Tony grinned “Yeah.”

“With whipped cream and sprinkles.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright sorry that took so long! I started a million other projects before I finished this one and I had a massive amount of writer's block when it came to this story.
> 
> Comment if you liked it.
> 
> Drops mic  
> I'm outie.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment if you enjoyed! I'm going to try an update soon!


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